Jokes!
by Pippa Spark
Summary: JOKES! My favourite jokes that I have adapted to various novels by Tamora Pierce. Alanna, Jon, George, Raoul, Daine, Kel, Rosethorn, Sandry, Tris, Briar, Daja... jokes for all! OVER 25,000 HITS! A variety of jokes, a fun read, please R/R!
1. Chapter 1

Alanna entered her history class one morning, crying quietly. Her history professor, Sir Myles of Olau, approached her.

He gave her a sympathetic look. "Is there something wrong?" he asked.

Alanna replied in a soft voice. "This morning I received a letter telling me that my father passed away."

"Oh," said Sir Myles, "I'm very sorry to hear that. Would you like me to excuse you from today's lessons?"

"No thankyou, Sir. I'll be fine."

"If you insist", deferred Sir Myles, unconvinced.

Halfway through the lesson, Alanna was called out into the hallway by a messenger, who passed her a letter. She ripped it open, scanned it briefly, and began crying again. Sir Myles went up to her. "What happened?" he questioned.

Alanna sniffed. "It's a letter from my brother. He says that _his_ father died too!"

*****

**Yes, yes, I **_**know **_**Alanna isn't like this…but I don't care :) She can be thick for the purposes of this joke (which many people find lame, but I like it). What did you guys think? Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

In the end, everyone dies, even mages.

Daja Kisubo walked up to the golden gates of Paradise. As she looked at the golden gates, the living metal on her hand tingled. These gates were made of solid gold. Paradise was starting to look pretty good.

An angel descended from above, and looked Daja in the eye.

"Welcome to Paradise," he said. "I can see you are a goodly soul. You shall be rewarded for your kind heart by being allowed to spend your eternal afterlife in Paradise. Here we have only one rule: don't tread on the ducks."

"O…kay", replied Daja, keeping her face expressionless. "I'm sure I can handle that."

It turns out she couldn't. Upon entering Paradise, Daja saw ducks in every direction. Before long, she stepped on one.

When she woke up the next day, she saw what her punishment was for stepping on the duck. She had been chained to the most hideous man imaginable!

Tris was the next to come to the huge gold gates that lead to Paradise. _Humph_, she thought as she examined the elaborate entrance, _Show-offs_.

The angel flew down and gave her the same welcoming spiel that he had given Daja. Tris grunted upon hearing the warning, and strode into Paradise.

She snorted in disgust when she saw all the birds, swarming about the place. She became increasingly irritated about avoiding the ducks as time went on, and eventually blasted one with lightning. It was quite a good anger management method, so she blasted another one for good measure.

It turns out that blasting the ducks with lightning was just as bad as stepping on them. When Tris woke up the next morning, she, like Daja, was chained to an incredibly ugly man.

The next to enter Paradise was Sandry. She examined the intricate design of the golden gate with interest until the angel came down to have a chat with her.

"Here we have only one rule: don't tread on the ducks – or blast them, or – look, just don't touch the ducks, ok?"

"I'll try my best not to", replied Sandry, "thankyou".

She curtsied, and entered Paradise.

And you know what? Sandry was _incredibly_ careful, and did not tread on a single duck all day. Bu when she woke up the next day, she was chained to a man – although he was so _very_ handsome. Sandry blushed, and asked him brightly "So, what happened to you?"

The incredibly handsome man replied "Well, I don't know about you, but _I_ stepped on a duck."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hehehehehe…sorry about poking fun at Sandry in the last joke, but she annoys me at times. That was one of those times. :D**

**As Daja is a lesbian, I was wondering if she should have been chained to an ugly woman…oh well, Paradise just couldn't even get her preferences right. :P**

**A bit of a long winded joke, I know, but I hope you guys enjoyed it!**

**Anyway…joke n.3…and review peoples! (Thanks to you who have!) Reviews make me happy! :)**

*****

During his love affair with Alanna, Prince Jonathan suspected his girlfriend of cheating on him. On the spur of the moment, he went to find his trusty sword, and decided to burst into her room unexpectedly to see what was going on.

Jon crept up to the door of Alanna's room. He turned the door handle. The room was unlocked. He charged inside, to find Alanna in the arms of Jon's great friend, Raoul of Goldenlake.

Jon felt hurt and angry. He unsheathed his sword, but could not bring himself to hurt Alanna or Raoul. Instead, he pointed the weapon towards his own chest.

"Please, Jon, stop!" cried Alanna and Raoul in unison.

"Be quiet," snapped Jon, "you're next."


	4. Chapter 4

The pack was shocked upon Daine's return to their home. She was covered in cuts and bruises. She looked awful.

The wolves all crowded round her. "What happened?" they asked.

Eventually they convinced her to show them what happened. Daine told them all to follow her.

She led them outside and limped along until she came to an enormous rock. It must have been at least ten foot high!

They all gathered round the rock with great suspicion.

"You all see this rock?" questioned Daine.

The others nodded.

"Humph. Wish I had."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: Yes, I like to pick on Sandry. Deal with it, OK? :P**

*****

Sandry had always been _ever_ so well-educated, and _ever_ so smart. One day, she was bragging to the rest of the Circle about her knowledge. Briar, ex street rat, was genuinely impressed.

"Do you seriously know the names of every country's capital city in the land?" he asked.

"I said so, didn't I?" replied Sandry, "Go on, try me."

"I don't believe you," said Tris stubbornly.

"Come on, Tris, let's give her a chance", said Daja fairly. "Alright, Sandry, what's the capital of Capchen?"

Sandry replied, "That's easy – 'C'!"


	6. Chapter 6

'**Jokes!' has received well over 1000 hits! Good job guys! Keep spreading the humour far and wide…Anyways. Joke.**

*****

Tris, Briar, and Sandry are lost in the desert.  
Naturally, they find some crusty old lamp with a genie inside. They are each granted one wish.

Tris says in a matter-of-fact tone, "I wish I could be anyplace but here – no, actually, make that the palace library." She disappears, her wish granted.  
Briar says wistfully, "I wish I was back with my gorgeous _shakans_." He vanishes as well.  
Then Sandry sniffs, "I'm lonely, I wish my friends were back."  
Instantly, Tris and Briar reappear beside her – although for some reason they didn't look too happy about it. Would you be?  
_THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS…ALWAYS LET THE BLONDE WISH FIRST._

*****

**Please R/R!**

_**- Pippa -**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Thankyou to 'nuts for Star Wars' for telling me about this joke, and thank you also for letting me use it. Here it is! (but of course it has been Tamora-Pierce-ified).**

*****

Kel, Neal, and Cleon are out hunting. It's winter and game is scarce.

Kel says "I bet I can bag a bear in one hour flat."

"In your dreams", mutters Cleon.

"Wait and see", replies Kel.

An hour later she's bagged a bear. When the other two ask her how she did it, she says smugly "I followed the tracks."

"Well", declares Neal, "I bet that I can get a bear in half that time.

"Yeah, _sure_ you can," say Kel and Cleon.

"Watch me", says Neal, and walks off.

Half an hour later, he's bagged a bear too! When asked how he did it, he also says "I followed the tracks."

"Fine then," says Cleon, not to be outdone. "I'll be back with _my_ bear in _five_ minutes."

Kel and Neal exchange glances, and shake their heads. Cleon storms off in search of a bear.

He returns five minutes later – only, without a bear. Instead, he has returned with some nasty injuries. When asked what happened, he says "I followed the tracks, but I got hit by a train!"

*****

**Before you flame me, yes, I know that there are no trains in Tortall. Use your imaginations! I like this joke and wanted to include it. Please R/R!**

**~ Pippa ~**

**Also, to all of you who said that Sandry has brown hair, I checked it (admittedly, on Wikipedia) and you were right. So I apologise for making her the blonde in the jokes, that's simply the way she is in my mind. And just because her hair really is brown doesn't mean I'll stop making her the blonde one either :P**


	8. Chapter 8

**I am ridiculously happy - Jokes has received over 2000 hits! YAY! **

**Thankyou for the reviews, they make me ridiculously happy as well.**

**This following joke was told to me by a friend, so thankyou to anonymous friend :)**

**ANYWAY...**

*****

Once upon a time, there was a strange rumour in the Winding Circle temple.

Apparently, hidden in the deepest, darkest corner, of the deepest, darkest room in the Water temple, there was a magic mirror. If you spoke the absolute truth while standing in front of it, you would be granted eternal happiness. However, if you spoke a lie while standing in front of the mirror, you would vanish forever.

So, one day, Dedicates Rosethorn, Lark, and Crane decided to see if this rumour was true. After a short search they found the mirror.

Rosethorn was the first to approach the mirror. "Humph", she muttered. "I bet this doesn't work." – POOF! She disappeared.

Lark was the next to stand before the mirror. "My student Sandry is the kindest girl in the whole of Emelan." – POOF! She vanished.

Crane was the last to speak. "I think -" – POOF!


	9. Chapter 9

**I always get a kick out of this joke…hopefully you will too!**

*****

Now is the time for us all to use our imaginations. Tris tried to defeat the pirate fleet that was invading Winding Circle, and failed epically. The temple was overrun with the barbarians, and like many others, Rosethorn, Frostpine and Niko were running away.

They could hear the corsairs stampeding behind them, gaining on them. They rounded a corner, and spied three old potato sacks lying on the ground. Rosethorn quickly thought of a plan.

"We must each get into a sack, and if one of the pirates goes to open or touch your sack, make a noise like something angry that could easily be found in these sacks."

Rosethorn, Frostpine and Niko each clambered into a sack. Shortly, the pirates thundered around the corner.

One walked up and kicked Rosethorn's sack. She hissed like a vicious cat.

"It's just an angry pussycat," said the pirate. He kicked the next sack, which hid Frostpine.

Frostpine growled, sounding like an aggressive dog.

"It's just a doggy," said the pirate.

He kicked the third sack, in which Niko lay.

"Potatoes!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you to 'garnetgirl14' for telling me about and letting me use this joke. By the way, 'garnetgirl14' was the 50****th**** reviewer! 50 is a nice number. Oh, and did you notice that I updated really quickly? Well, I did by my standards. This is because I'm going away for a week, and wanted to publish just one more joke...**

*****

Keladry of Mindelan, Lady Knight, was cantering alongside several miles of cultivated fields. The scenery was monotonous, until she saw a very strange sight.

A fellow Lady Knight was sitting in the middle of one of the fields. 'What's so strange about that?' you might ask. Well, you see, this particular Lady Knight was in fact sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field, and was rowing like crazy. Yeah, that's strange.

Kel halted her horse and shouted angrily at the other Lady Knight.

"It's Lady Knights like you that give us all a bad name! I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind, if only I could swim!"

*****

**Personally, I think it's more "I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind, if only I had any to spare!"**

**I have found another victim! MUHAHAHAHA! Kel's reputation will be ruined! :P**

**Please review, and thank you to all who have!**

**Pippa :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMER**

**[Edit: Just thought I'd add that another reason I posted this disclaimer is because I got a little paranoid and my overactive imagination convinced me that the FBI were going to track me down. Or at least, that FF was going to report me to some higher authority that would take me away and eat my liver. Sorry :P I think I was having a bad day :P ]**

_**The reason that I initially wrote this was because I was MISTAKENLY called a plagiarist. As in, the person who did say this then sent me a really, really nice PM saying that they were mistaken, and hadn't read my summary which does have a disclaimer of sorts. That person is perfectly nice and this following disclaimer sounds quite aggressive, which is not really my style, but I did want to get my point across. This disclaimer in my summary, however, I now realise, is not clear enough, so I now have this massive thing to eliminate any confusion. As the incident that prompted me to write this was all a misunderstanding, the below is no longer directed towards anybody, except for if there are any future readers who think I am a plagiarist. **_

_**This means that I wrote the below during a misunderstanding, so I reiterate that it is not directed towards anyone anymore. You are all my friends and I am not an angry person. Still, now that I've written this massive, unnecessarily angry disclaimer, I might as well use it.**_

_**Just please, please, please, keep in mind that it was born from a misunderstanding, and is only still posted because I frankly need a better, more detailed disclaimer than what is in the summary, and, well, it should convince people that I'm NOT a plagiarist before they ACCIDENTALLY send me a PM or something telling me that I am.**_

_**Sorry about this long bit at the beginning, sorry for the following that makes me sound vicious, and sorry for any false impression that I am big and scary, and filled with anger. I'm not really. I'm actually quiet and shy, and do my best to be friends with everybody, which is why I feel so bad about this whole misunderstanding.**_

_**This disclaimer is now practically a novel. I'm sorry about that too :P**_

Ok, so recently I got a couple of reviews where I was called a plagiarist. I found this hurtful, and I don't want people to believe this, as IT IS A LIE.

That is why I'm now writing a nice big disclaimer for you all. By the way, I apologise in advance for the overuse of capital letters.

I am NOT labelling these jokes as my own. I did NOT think them up, and I DON'T know who did, otherwise I WOULD reference them. They are jokes that a fair few of you ALREADY KNOW. All I am doing is CIRCULATING THEM for a bit of fun. I love hearing new jokes, so I'm happy if I've managed to show you one that you haven't heard before.

In my summary for 'Jokes!' I have written:

'_My favourite jokes that I have adapted to various novels by Tamora Pierce.'_

I have written up my favourite jokes, which OTHER PEOPLE have told me, that I enjoyed and that I thought you might enjoy as well. I am simply sharing these jokes with you guys, and ADAPTING them to Tamora Pierce's novels (as in I am using HER characters, which I DON'T own, in these jokes which I DIDN'T think up) for an added twist.

I think that most people DO understand this and DON'T mind that I actually HAVEN'T thought up these jokes. I HAVEN'T been taking the credit for any of them. My sole purpose in creating 'Jokes!' was to try and spread my favourite jokes around, because I believe that everyone could use a laugh at times. Is that such a bad thing?

For example, a reader named Aradhel Rien Atrail wrote, on the 6th of April, concerning chapter 8:

'_I've heard that one before! that is one of my fave jokes of all time! I like it even more with the Emalan twist. Nice job with the charactor choice.'_

I think it is obvious here that this reader knows perfectly well that I have NOT made up this joke, and that I have simply added an 'Emelan twist'. Do they care? NO. Does it matter that I have not made up the joke? NO.

I'm not the first one to have posted jokes on FF, and I acknowledge this. There are heaps of jokes posted by others, based in places ranging from the 'Harry Potter' world to 'Naruto'. I apologise if any of the jokes I have posted are the same as the ones that others have posted. This is UNINTENTIONAL, and if I do decide to use a joke that I have first seen as posted by someone else, I WILL reference them. Somehow, however, I doubt that all, if any, of the jokes posted by others were made up by the person who posted them.

When I first had the idea of adapting jokes to Tamora Pierce's novels, it was because I was looking for jokes set in Tortall and Emelan. I saw that there WEREN'T any, and thought that maybe those who read about Tortall and Emelan might enjoy having some jokes based in those places. This led me to begin writing 'Jokes!'.

I have NEVER SAID that I made up these jokes, as I HAVEN'T. I'm not ashamed to admit this, and I think that enough people know these jokes that it is PERFECTLY OBVIOUS that I did NOT make them up. The only thing I have done that is mine is remembering and writing down the jokes, in relation with Tamora Pierce's characters, ordering them, and posting them.

I thought that you understood this, but I guess I was wrong.

I apologise if you did not understand this, and feel that I have deceived you amongst others, as that was PERFECTLY UNINTENDED.


	12. Chapter 12

**Well…Chapter 11 kind of lacked a punch line and all, so I figured we needed to move onto a brighter note. I've uploaded this joke, told to me by my dad, who was told it by some guy at his work. I have no idea who made it up, but that doesn't make it less amusing :)**

*****

It was a bright and sunny day, perfect for a spot of sparring on the practice courts. Jonathan and Raoul put on their shiny-plated armour, grabbed their swords, and soon the practice courts were filled with the sound of steel upon steel.

Shortly, however, the noise stopped. A long funeral procession was marching along in the distance. Six men were carrying a coffin adorned with flowers. Upon seeing this, Jonathan stopped mock fighting with Raoul. He sank to his knees on the ground and clasped his hands in a respectful prayer. He placed his sword to one side, and stood up, before removing his helmet and bowing deeply.

Raoul was very moved. "You know what, my old friend?" he said, "What you just did was one of the most sensitive and thoughtful gestures that I have ever seen in my entire life."

Jonathan shrugged at him. "Well, we were married for fifty years."


	13. Chapter 13

Here is a little known fact: to get your mage's medallion, you have to pass a written test.

Sandry, Tris, Briar and Daja had all studied really hard for this test. The night before the exam, they chose to go to a party held in Summersea.

They left Winding Circle, with permission, caught a ride on a cart, and went to the party. Then they broke a very important rule that had been laid down before them, and which they had promised not to break if they went to the party. They drunk alcohol, and woke up the next day with severe hangovers.

To return to Winding Circle, they were forced to hitchhike, due to their cover story.

When they reached Winding Circle, they told the examiners that their cart had lost a wheel, and they had had to walk home.

The examiner forgave them, and allowed them to do their tests the next day.

So, the next day, the four were placed in separate rooms with the test paper.

On the first page was a set of question worth 5% of the marks. The four answered them with ease.

Feeling confident, they turned the page.

On the next page was written…

For 95% of the overall marks: Which wheel? _________

*****

**Now I'm assuming that the examiners have set up a system where they can tell if the four are cheating via mind communication. **

**I was forwarded this joke in an email.**

**As always, review peoples! If you don't, I'll, I'll…just review ok?**

**Pippa :)**


	14. Chapter 14

Ok, so…there's this river, right, that runs through part of the Royal Palace grounds in Corus, Tortall. Well, there is now, because I say so.

Anyway, one day, Cleon was stuck on the wrong side of the river, and to get back to the palace, he needed to cross it. So, he yelled to a person on the other bank, namely Neal.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" called out Cleon.

Neal yelled back:

"You ARE on the other side!"

*****

**A friend of mine forwarded me this joke in an email – said it reminded her of me. Hmmmm... I used to think I was smart, but now I'm not so sure… :P **

**That last phrase reminded me of something amusing, a 'mini-joke' if you like. Please excuse my ranting, I feel like telling you all about this baboon thingy.**

**I was shown this picture of a baboon (I don't know why a baboon, it doesn't really contribute to anything…whatever), and anyway, the caption was "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."**

**Yes. Well I was amused alright? :) Now I'll stop embarrassing myself and crawl back under my rock…and do my first aid booklet icky! It requires extra brain cells which I don't have!**

**And, as always, reviews are appreciated! Thanks :)**

**Pippa with an evil smiley just to jazz things up a little }:) see? Monobrow smiley. And please don't quote "Small things amuse small minds", I hear it a fair bit already lol**


	15. Chapter 15

Lady Ilane of Mindelan and her newborn daughter Keladry had arrived at the party, and were passing through the front entrance.

A porter remarked to Ilane, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen", before ushering her inside.

Lady Ilane sat down at a refreshment table inside, anger coursing through her veins. "That porter there just insulted me!" she exclaimed to a man sitting next to her.

The man replied, "Go right up there and give him a piece of your mind – tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


	16. Chapter 16

**Well…it's been a while since the last upload (oops), so sorry guys! I don't actually have an excuse or anything, I've just been feeling lazy recently – HOLIDAYS SOON! **

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**On a more serious note, a really big thankyou to 'TomandJerry' for telling me this joke (and several more which are also very good):**

*********

As they lounged in the palace gardens in Summersea, Daja and Tris reflected on the meaning of life – amongst other things.

"So…" mused Daja, "…which do you think is further away, Namorn or the moon?"

Tris turned her face towards Daja's. The moonlight revealed her contemptuous expression.

"Duh, can you see Namorn?"


	17. Chapter 17

**And…I've taken way too long to update – again. Sorry peoples!**

**This joke came round in an email several months back. Enjoy!**

*****

We all know that Tortall and the countries near it are very technologically advanced, right guys? Advanced enough, even, to be able to be compared with 21st century Earth…don't look at me like that, just use your imaginations!

Ahem…anyway.

A group of archaeologists in Tortall dug to a depth of ten feet last year, and found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. They then came to the conclusion that 100 years ago, their ancestors already had a telephone network.

When word of this reached Scanra, archaeologists dug deep, twenty feet deep, in fact, to find traces of copper wire dating back 200 years. They spread the news that 200 years ago, Scanra already had a telephone network.

Not to be outdone by its two rivals, archaeologists in Carthak dug thirty feet deep, only to report that they had found absolutely nothing. They then concluded that 300 years ago, Carthak had already gone wireless.


	18. Chapter 18

**Legend has it that Briar, Evvy and Rosethorn had many adventures in Gyongxe. Tamora Pierce will apparently be publishing a book telling this story in 2010. So for the time being, at least we can imagine what **_**really**_** happened…**

*****

_This is it_, thought Evvy. _This is the end._

She sat in her cell with Briar and Rosethorn. Sunlight was just beginning to filter through the barred window set into the wall. It was dawn. Their time had come.

Rosethorn's voice broke through Evvy's contemplations.

"I'VE GOT IT!!!"

Briar looked defeated. "Another cunning plan? The guards are coming for us in a few minutes. We're about to be executed. There's no time left for us, Rosethorn. We're done for."

"No really, trust me on this one -"

"That is what you said last time, Rosethorn. And the cunning plan last time involved a painted wooden duck, a pencil, a miniature trumpet, and a Robin Hood costume."

"Listen to me!" shrieked Rosethorn.

A guard walked in.

Rosethorn whispered, "Just follow my lead!"

They were led out to the courtyard, where they saw a line of men holding strange metal sticks. _Guns_, remembered Evvy.

Rosethorn was called out first. She stood with her back to the wall. The soldiers raised their weapons.

"Ready – steady -"

"Tornado!" yelled Rosethorn. The guards looked away, and Rosethorn climbed the wall behind her and escaped. When the guards turned around, she was gone.

"#$%^&*!" exclaimed their captain.

"At least we have two more prisoners", remarked one of his men helpfully.

Briar was called out next. He stood with his back to the wall. The soldiers raised their weapons.

"Ready – steady -"

"Earthquake!" yelled Briar, following Rosethorn's example. The guards ran for shelter, and when they dared raise their heads, Briar too had climbed the wall and escaped.

"#$%^&*!" exclaimed their captain, with a sense of deja vue.

"There's still one more prisoner", remarked one of the men helpfully.

Evvy was called out, and stood with her back to the wall.

"Ready – steady -"

Evvy took a deep breath and yelled out at the top of her lungs:

"FIRE!!!!!!!!"

*****

**Good job everyone who found the Blackadder reference!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks to Bhel-Elryss (http://www****./u/1791330/****) for this joke! It's great fun in particular to retell…you'll see why at the end :)**

*****

You thought the Chamber of the Ordeal was the only uber-cool-and-mysterious chamber in the palace, right? Well, think again.

Vania was the youngest and most inquisitive child of King Jonathan and Queen Thayet. One day, while exploring one of the oldest at most undisturbed parts of the palace, she came across a large bronze door set between two marble pillars. She attempted to open it, but in vain; the doorknob would not turn. She decided to pick the lock, and then found that there was no keyhole!

Vania went off and found her parents.

"What is behind the door?" she asked.

"A great secret", replied Jonathan, "which has not been uncovered in over a thousand years."

"So how do you open the door?" she asked.

"The door opens itself", answered Thayet. "It will open only for the person who has travelled the land, and counted every blade of grass and every grain of sand within it."

Vania grew up and dedicated her life to finding the secret. Many years later she returned to the palace. In her head were images of foreign places and all the blades of grass and grains of sand that she had counted.

She walked through the great bronze door which, at her approach, had swung open soundlessly. Try as they might, no one else could cross the door's threshold. Vania walked into a grand hallway, which lead to a silver-encrusted door. This too opened. At the end of the resulting corridor was an even more elaborate door, made of gold, and decorated with emeralds and diamonds. The door opened just enough to let Vania through.

…

What? You want to know the secret? Well…you'll have to count every blade of grass first.


	20. Chapter 20

**I personally think this joke works better said than read, so tell it to your friends. **

*****

It was Halloween. Wind whistled through the trees. Snow coated the ground (let's be biased to the northern hemisphere, because here in Australia, it's more like "brown snakes lay waiting for their prey", and that just doesn't have the same effect. ANYWAY…).

A strange figure approached Pirate's swoop. Eventually it reached the imposing front door.

"Knock knock?"

Alanna crept downstairs holding a candle. The stone floor was cold. Shadows leapt at her. The house creaked and groaned as if with a life of its own.

"Who's there?" she asked, glancing through the peephole. She recoiled as she spotted the visitor.

The visitor was Aly, but Alanna failed to recognise her daughter. Well, she was dressed in a cow costume. Go figure.

In the spirit of Halloween, Aly replied "I am the interrupting demon-cow!!!!!"

Oh boy, thought Alanna as she retrieved a basket of lollies from behind a pot plant. I hate trick-or-treat-ing.

She sighed, and said resignedly, "The interrupting de-"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*****

**A friend told me this joke a few days ago, just in time for Halloween! The original joke that I was told just had a cow that ended up saying moo, but with a spooky theme I altered things to make demon-cow + mooo(mu)haha. I am actually quite pleased with having given this joke a new twist; it works well at this time of year. Don't mind me, I'm feeling original. :P**

**Happy Halloween! :) no wait, evil smiley!! }:) }:] }:[ the last one is a vampire smiley. Enjoy the fangs!!!!!! (to say noting of the monobrow!) }:[[[[[[[[[ **


	21. Chapter 21

**I got this joke from the Swedish movie "As it is in Heaven". It's a fairly good movie, I guess, sort of weird, but touching too. This joke is from the scene in the shop, fairly early on. Hope you like it :) **

*****

As usual, Duke Roger of Conté was running fashionably late. Orange robes sweeping the floor, he moved quickly and purposefully towards the funeral procession as it made its way outside.

Scratching his neck absentmindedly, Roger scanned the crowd for a face he could pretend to tolerate. His gaze came to rest on his nephew, Prince Jonathan.

After making his way through the dreary mourners he ended up next to the small boy, who turned to him with solemn eyes. Upon recognising Roger a smile crept onto his face, which had filled with admiration.

Roger's confidence always found a way of doubling round this child, who was so eager to please him.

"Er, say, young Jonathan," he bent over to speak, although no longer feeling awkward, "would you happen to know who's dead, by any chance?"

Jonathan considered for a moment. "I don't know, but I think they're the one in the coffin."


	22. Chapter 22

The party's guests began to retire as festivities continued into the early hours of the morning. Prince Jonathan struggled to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, a voice made him jerk upright.

"I slept with your mother!" The man pointed a finger at Jonathan, an empty bottle of wine clutched in his other hand. He swayed and staggered.

Sighing, Jonathan met the man squarely in the eye. "Go to bed, father, you're drunk."


	23. Chapter 23

George stumbled through the doorway and collapsed in a chair.

"You're back," commented Mistress Cooper. She was so used to her son's sudden appearances that she barely looked up from her sewing.

"Of course. Alanna would've come too but she's off visiting Alan's family with Thom, and Aly's involved in some secret business. But I wasn't about to miss you on your birthday." George walked over to his mother to plant a quick kiss on the top of her grey hair. "How old are you now? 29? 30?"

"83, as you know perfectly well," said his mother, playfully shoving her son back into his chair.

An indignant look crossed George's face. "Hey, I walked all the way here, so don't go shoving my poor aching back!"

"Ah!" exclaimed his mother. "Now you know how ageing feels!" She allowed herself a small cackle at her son's expression.

"Tell me, mother dear," he drawled, "Is there anything good about getting old?"

"Why, of course," she said slyly. "No peer pressure."


	24. Chapter 24

**Hi again, sorry for not updating for a while. I've been trying to work on assignments, but procrastination finally won through. **

**FF: 1. History: 0. :)**

**Also, the last joke I posted got no reviews…is this because the humour was a little too dark? I do understand that death is a touchy topic – if you have a real problem with those sorts of jokes, please let me know, and I won't post any more like it (although, of course, if you're drastically overruled by others you may have to simply stop reading…wow, that makes me sound so mean :S But hopefully you understand :) Anyway, feel free to PM me or review if you have something you want to say). **

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Tanair had been a dreary place for the past few weeks, without even any interesting news from the capital. There was little to do for the ladies, except for the usual sewing and mending. With this is mind, Dovasary decided it was high time to go on a camping trip with Aly, her new maid, to show her the area around the Balitang's home.

They set up camp as night fell, before eating a quick dinner and going straight to bed. They fell asleep instantly, side by side.

In the middle of the night, a cool breeze brushed across Dove's face, waking her. Sitting up, the young girl shook Aly until she woke up.

"This had better be important," grumbled Aly as she propped herself up on one elbow. "I'm the god's messenger, and I need my beauty sleep to look the part."

Dove sighed and ignored her. "God's messenger," she asked, "look up and tell me what you see."

_Ah, Dove's testing my knowledge_, thought Aly, bemused. _Wants to see if I know enough to be up to my job._

"Well," began Aly, "I can see millions of stars and a half-moon."

"And what does that mean?" prodded Dove.

"It means that the sky is clear, and so the winds will be favourable tomorrow. The half-moon indicates a perfect night for magecraft and alchemy. The clusters of stars each represent a god – see, that one's Kyprioth – and the stars which shine brightest are their eyes. The moon's glow is strong, so predators will be hunting in the shadows tonight, yet the kudarung, the little winged horses, will come out to play."

Aly turned triumphantly to Dove - who simply rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"No, Aly," she said, "it means that _someone has stolen our tent!"_


	25. Chapter 25

**This is the Tamora-Pierce-ified version of a 'Larry' joke I got in an email the other day.**

**Sorry for not updating in…well, ages, but I'm prioritising schoolwork. Exciting stuff, right? I'm finding college quite busy, so I've had to cut back on having a life. My teachers had better be proud. :P**

**Note: This joke could be considered ever so slightly inappropriate, but, quite honestly, you see worse things in high-school corridors :P**

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"We hearts of mountains are sedentary beings," remarked Luvo. "I only hope this voyage proves successful, and you find the stone for which you search."

"It's hardly a voyage, Luvo," said Evvy. "We just need to buy these horses to make the trip more comfortable. Unless you'd rather walk, that is." She shot a sideways glance at Luvo, who, in his sling, remained silent. Meeting a rock with a sense of humour was less likely than it sounded.

"Well, at least you're not going by water," said Briar, walking alongside, in a tone that was almost _too_ cheerful. Evvy grimaced, remembering her first, and hopefully last, journey across the ocean, and stuck her tongue out at her friend.

Luvo interjected. "Evumeimei, you should treat Briar with more respect – he is your elder." Evvy opened her mouth in a good-natured protest, but Luvo cut her off. "Briar made a valid point."

Evvy and Briar exchanged a look, eyebrows raised. The plant-mage shrugged. "I've got some stuff to do, so I'll leave you to enjoy each other's company." He flashed Evvy a wink before strolling off casually – _no doubt in search of some hapless corner girl_, she thought wryly. Evvy watched his retreating back, thinking of the fun she would have trying to explain horse-buying to Luvo.

She approached a bay tethered to a hitching post near the centre of the town square. It had a kind eye, and she patted it affectionately, before looking at the vendor questioningly. He barely glanced at her, occupied as he was with other customers, simply waving a knotted hand in her direction, indicating that she could look the horse over.

Evvy knelt down and began to feel the horse's legs, looking for any conformational faults or injuries. She sensed Luvo paying attention, and braced herself for the question which would no doubt come her way shortly. She was not disappointed.

"Evumeimei," asked Luvo, "why are you running your hands all over its body?"

Evvy, who had moved from the horse's legs to its rump, replied, "It's a way of checking that the horse is healthy and able to work." She walked round to the front of the horse, running a hand down its shoulders to its chest. "If I find that it's in good shape, I'll try and buy it."

There was a pause. Then…

"Evumeimei," asked Luvo with interest, "why does that young lady wish to purchase Briar?"


	26. Chapter 26

This is the tale of how the legend of the Winding Circle Pig was born.

The day had come. Sandry, Tris, Briar and Daja had just graduated, and it was their final day at Winding Circle. To celebrate their newfound certificate of maturity, they decided to graduate with a bang – or more, a prank.

To make a long story short; they captured three pigs from a nearby field.

On the first one, they painted the number '1'.

On the second one, they painted the number '2'.

On the third one, they painted the number '4'.

They then released the three pigs into the school, who proceeded to wreak havoc. Several hours later, pigs 1, 2 and 4 had all been caught. Winding Circle, however, spent many weeks on constant guard, using all the magic and cunning they could find….but they never did find pig number 3.

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**Apparently this did actually happen in a school in Sydney, Australia!**

**Sorry for my lack of updating! I can't promise to reform, as I can't exactly see that happening (I mean, come on…it's me we're talking about here!), but I will keep going with this fic., as long as I can find some good jokes – or, in this case, funny stories. Happy (very, very belated) new year! :D**


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